One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
