i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
