On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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