I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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