Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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