I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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