so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
