some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
