I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We are two peas in an std pod
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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