you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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