We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
