Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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