Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
