I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
