So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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