Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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