Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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