I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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