i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
