I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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