so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
