Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
