I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
