We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
