I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
