why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
