Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
