i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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