I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Oh god it's open bar.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
