So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
