by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
