If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
