K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
