I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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