For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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