This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
