he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Couch. On fire.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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