I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
