The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
