How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
