I wish my penis had an off switch
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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