just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
