did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
