the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
