have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
