Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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