I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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