why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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