You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
