my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
