Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
