If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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