I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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