i just wanna soil my oats bro
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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