You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
